The 5:57 is always on time: Big Ass in the 21st century

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                                                           SHE HAD A

Warning: this entry includes adult content and is not suitable for all ages. It also contains material that some may find offensive. 

Things are much more PC now. If any of you are offended by Big Ass and the commentary here I'm sorry you feel that way. The Beatles closed Rubber Soul with Run For A Life, where the singer threatens to murder his love interest if he sees her with another man. He goes on to tell her to "toe the line", seeming to imply the threat of violence. John, the song's composer, later distanced himself  it, apparently after Yoko pointed out the sexism clearly on display.  She must have told him he'd better toe the line. Just sayin'. "Run For Your Life" isn't a great song, but it's better than "Maxwell's Silver Hammer" which, besides being a crap song. also glorifies murder far more than John's song.  Looks like I brought The Beatles up again . Yeah, yeah, yeah.  

"Big Ass" was my party piece. Whenever the guitars came out at casual gathering , jam session or a performance, someone would always shout "Play Big Ass!". The verses always got a laugh and everyone would sing along with gusto. (I don't know how gusto managed to always be there when I played that song or why everybody chose to sing along with him, but some things are unexplainable and in their unexplainability just can't be explained. One big label A&R guy said "Write more songs like "Big Ass" and we might be interested". It was easily the most requested and played song at the college radio stations (followed by "Trucks In The Sky" and "Fall On Me"). I once got a call from a frat in Berkeley. The caller held up the phone and I could hear a mob of drunken male voices shouting the chorus. On Won Out, Ten Years is the setup, putting the listener at the party, having a good time with friends listening to me and Greg clowning our way through a song. Then "Big Ass" starts and every jumps up, Laughing, singing and dancing (was Won Out a concept album? We'll get to that later). 

Well, I saw me a girl walkin' down that street

She was just the kind of woman that I wanted meet

I said "Hey there baby would you like to be my lady friend?"

She had short little legs and a pretty strut

And hangin' 'round her waist was a mammoth gut

But the main thing that attracted me was  her rear end

She had a big ass, short body, long body, long ass, big ass

She had a big ass, short body, long body, long ass, big ass

She said "aw, now sonny don't you waste your time

I got a good thing cookin' at the end of the line"

I said "Aw big mama don't you know my love is real?

I'll go down to the railyards if you laugh

And let the 5:57 cut me in half

I'm gonna kill myself if you don't let me feel

Let me feel your... (repeat chorus)

Well I let her go though it broke my heart

To see that big ass movin' off across the park

And I knew I was gonna have to find myself another girl

Well, she's gotta be short and she's gotta be big

'Cause I break a skinny woman like I break a twig

I'm gonna find a big mama if I have to search around the world

And she's gotta have a... (repeat chorus)

I worked at a gas station - a pump jockey - for a couple of years - believe it or not, back in the day you'd pull into a station and someone would come out and pump your gas for you. They'd also check your oil and tire pressure  - even wash your windows! Those were the days. Those types of jobs are gone now and it's a shame. Each new innovation shifts more work to the consumer and put more distance between people. Self-service gas stations, self check-out at retail stores and Fastrak for bridge tolls all take away service sector jobs and, just as importantly, make us more and more alone in the world. Soon we'll forget how to have a casual conversation....where was I? Oh, yeah...got carried away there...anyway across the street there was a storefront "massage parlor" and the ladies employed there would often  walk down the street to a nearby convenience store, usually followed by hoots and and hollers from passing cars. It was a daily ritual that my coworkers and I watched with amusement. One sunny day my boss, a guy named Joe, was leaning on the counter watching the girls go by. One comely lass caught his eye and he said; "Look at the tits on her! Goddamn!" Then, after some reflection. more quietly, "Aw, she's kinda fat, though..." before brightening and speculating "Yeah, but I bet she fucks like it's goin' outta style!" After making these observation he wandered away muttering to himself, "Big ass, short body, long body, long ass, big ass" Thereby handing me the chorus to the song I wrote when I got home that evening. 

There was a lot of discussion and back and forth about including BA (so named by my prim Aunt who loved the song but refused to say the title). It was one of my most popular songs and the majority of people I asked were for putting it on. I was afraid of a novelty song overshadowing the rest of my music. In the end we put it on because a novelty hit is still a hit and since the album was my calling card as I tried to get interest from labels and radio stations we thought it should show all sides of my songwriting - from the ridiculous to the sublime. I call it "funny, sad, sunny and mad". In the end I'm glad it went on .

"Big Ass" was recorded at the same live session that produced "Trucks In The Sky" and "You Know Me Blues"

When Won Out was first released on CD "Big Ass" was replaced by another song and included as a hidden track - a loss of nerve that I still regret. The 25th anniversary edition saw it back where it belonged. 

Wanna hear it again? Here we are at the 25th anniversary show:

                  I've said it before and I'll say it again: Igloo! I'll say it again: IGLOOOO!!!

Hey, that's not an igloo!

Meanwhile, here on Earth: Some people, bless their hearts, are convinced that the world is flat. And they've got proof! Okay. believe what you want. The above picture got me wonderin' when I'd last visited Disneyland. It's been quite a while, Maybe someday they'll build Disneyland San Francisco! I'll go there. It would easily fit where the ill-used Oakland Colosseum is. Tear it down and build Matterhorn North! Come to think of it the space would only fit a ride or two. It would have to be Mini Disney. The A's are off to Las Vegas, anyway. Isn't that where the Raiders are now? Yup. I can remember when there was no Google and you had to ask other people. And they could be wrong. Or lying to you because they're mean or they just like to lie about stuff. Some people are like that. Some people think the Earth is flat. There's a TOS Star Trek episode called "For The Earth Is Hollow And I Have Touched The Sky" in which the entire command team of the Enterprise beamed down to an unknown planet and Kirk beat the hell out of some people, a red shirt got killed, Spock raised an eyebrow and said "Interesting", Kirk got the girl they beamed back up and got the heck out of there. Other stuff probably happened. For those not in the know, TOS means The Original Series. Trekkie talk - you wouldn't understand. Kirk, Spock, McCoy and Scotty were like The Beatles of space. Did I just say Beatles again? I like the Beatles. A lot of my work is either based on, modelled after, inspired by or stolen from them.